天龙八部里一段有趣的阴谋论

故事的主人公,是《天龙八部》里的一个小人物,名字叫做崔百泉。

这位崔老师的兵器很有特点,是一把算盘,他的外号也就叫做“金算盘”。除此之外,他几乎一无是处,长相不好,“形貌猥琐”,武功也不高,基本上可以划为死跑龙套的一类。

可惜造化弄人,这位弱小的崔老师偏偏摊上了一件大事:江湖传言,强大的姑苏慕容世家杀了他的同门。

这就意味着,按照江湖规矩,弱小的崔老师必须要去找强大的姑苏慕容报仇,不然他就要被人看不起,被说成是软蛋、怂包。

崔老师很仗义,也很勇敢,他真的拎着算盘就去报仇了。

好了,背景交代完了。下面是故事正题了。

崔老师愤怒地冲到了姑苏,好不容易才找到了一个姑苏慕容家里的人。

大家猜是谁?是老族长慕容博,还是小少爷慕容复?

都不是,而是小丫头阿碧。别误会,这次不是卫浴广告,真是的阿碧。

众所周知,阿碧脾气好,人又温柔。虽然崔老师恶狠狠地跑来寻衅滋事,阿碧却没太当回事,反而对他很客气。

阿碧温和地解释说:崔老师,我们对你不生气。我们姑苏慕容太出名了,每天上门来找茬的好汉太多了,我们早就习惯了。个个都打一场的话,我们实在打不过来。

这一点很像少林派。同样因为名气太大,每天不知道多少江湖好汉来少林派找茬闹事、比武较量,这种架是打不完的,少林子弟早就见怪不怪了。

顺便说一句闲话,这不禁让我想起最近的一件事:前几天,有一位叫贾葭的专栏作者,写了一篇文章找厦门大学的茬,说它不是一流大学。结果厦大的同学、校友们炸锅了,群起反击。

印象里厦大很美,我曾经骑着自行车从芙蓉隧道溜进学校玩。在此想对厦大的同学和校友提一点点建议:

一流的门派的典型特征之一,就是永远会有人来找茬。比如少林派、比如姑苏慕容。

只要不是严重到像明教大举来攻、魔教倾巢来袭之类的事,反击时最好不要一窝蜂,又是联名、又是携手,搞成全员上阵、筑起血肉长城的感觉,这样会显得不太洋气。

说抽象一点,我们对什么样的事情作出多大的反应,能体现我们的B格。

举个我自己居住的城市的例子。我住在可爱的重庆,前几年有个外地哥们不知道怎么想的,忽然写了个文章,说“重庆是一座很搞的城市”,说了些刻薄话。

结果重庆的网站、论坛全炸锅了,乡亲们很激动,纷纷起来声讨,全市的报纸都发文章反击,要代表三千万人民齐上阵来争口气。

这样就不太好了,这只说明一件事——我的城市,还不习惯被关注的感觉。

那么,究竟是什么样的事情,才值得我们学子一起动员起来呢?

比如几年前,西南政法的老校区差点被人拿走了,西政的校友们很不开心,联合起来和社会各界一起守护住了它,这可能才是我们值得携手做的事。

总之一句话:我们要珍惜我们的愤怒。

好了,回归正题。对于怒气冲冲的崔百泉老师,阿碧见怪不怪,反而拉他坐船去家里喝茶。

这坐船的一路上,崔老师的心思那叫一个复杂。他陷入了一种无止境的恐慌之中,总觉得坐船喝茶这事没这么简单,一定有阴谋。

首先,他刚一上船,就怀疑这丫头一定是想要把船搞翻,把自己淹死。

所以他决定了一件事:要把桨抢在手上!让她想翻船也没那么容易。

计议已定,崔老师想必大大松了口气:我终于挫败了姑苏慕容的一个阴谋。

然而,他要拿船桨,阿碧却不肯。为什么不肯?很简单,因为他是客人,阿碧是丫环,让客人划船多不像话。

可阿碧这一不肯,让崔百泉老师更加警觉起来,“疑心更甚”,越发料定这是一个敌人的阴谋。

——她不肯,恰恰证明了这里面有名堂!如果不是要把船搞翻,她为什么不肯?

——这哪里是抢船桨那么简单?这明明是我和姑苏慕容之间的针锋相对、你死我活的较量。

崔老师急中生智,对阿碧说:姑娘,不是不让你划船,我们是想听你弹奏乐器。你不是把别人的兵器都能弹出曲子吗?给我们弹一个好不好,我们好想听啊。

他不由分说,把身边同伴的兵器塞过去了,用书上的话说是“取过软鞭,交在她手里,道:你弹,你弹!”急切之情溢于言表。

然后,崔老师趁机一把从阿碧的手上抢过了船桨。

他大概又松了口气:我又挫败了姑苏慕容的一场阴谋。

于是,崔老师就从好端端的坐船的人,变成了呼哧呼哧的划船的人。

划了多久呢?书上说是“两个多时辰”,也就是足足四五个小时。一把年纪了,也真是不容易。

可惜崔老师没有高兴多久,变故又发生了:

阿碧不但要弹崔老师的同伴的兵器,还要弹崔老师自己的兵器!“你的金算盘,再借我拨一下好伐?”

为什么呢?也很简单,因为阿碧多才多艺啊,只弹一个弦乐多没意思,她还要来一个键盘乐。

崔老师心里顿时一万只草泥马奔腾而过,他怀疑阿碧又是别有用心:

“她要将我们两件兵刃都收了去,莫非有甚阴谋?”

弹兵器这档子事明明是他自己提出来的,现在他又觉得是人家的阴谋。

不只是这些,连阿碧随口说的话,都句句像阴谋。比如崔老师随口夸这湖里的红菱好吃,阿碧一听很开心,拍手说:“那就在这湖里一辈子勿出去好哉!”

听她说“一辈子勿出去”,崔老师可吓坏了,“矍然一惊”,老半天都提心吊胆。

总之,这一路上,阿碧的一切行为在崔老师的眼里都包藏祸心——划船是阴谋,弹曲也是阴谋;听你的话是阴谋,不听你的话也是阴谋。

他还能给这些阴谋以完美的解释:阿碧要船桨,那是要牢牢把控小船的控制权;阿碧要弹曲,那是为了用糖衣炮弹麻痹我方;阿碧要兵器,那是要解除我们的武装。

至于阿碧扬言“在湖里一辈子勿出去”,更是暴露了姑苏慕容家的叵测居心,充分体现了一个反动买办阶层的家奴的猖狂气焰。

而且,在阴谋论者崔老师面前,阿碧无法证明自己无辜。

如果她解释,那么解释就是掩饰;如果她不解释,那就等于是默认;即便到最后她都没有动手,那也是因为被识破了阴谋,无法下手,但一定是亡我之心不死。

在这里,我并不是要讽刺崔百泉老师。他是有优点的,虽然猥琐,但为人很仗义,我还挺喜欢他的。

他平时也并不是一个小心眼的人,反而挺率性放达,甚至喝酒赌钱,打架杀人,无所不为。

可为什么一和姑苏慕容氏打交道,他就变成一个疑神疑鬼的阴谋论者了呢?

或者换句话说,平时好端端的一个人,在什么情况下容易沦为阴谋论者呢?

我想大概有一点,就是当他完全不具备关于对方的世界的知识;当他和对方距离太远、差距太大,大到他的一切经验都派不上用场的时候。

崔老师和姑苏慕容氏,双方的差距实在太大了。作为一个江湖中下层人士,要崔老师去揣度一个神秘的武林绝顶高手世家会如何处事、如何待客、如何迎敌,实在是有些为难了他。对于阿碧的一切做法,他都只好拿自己在江湖底层摸爬滚打的经验来套。

打个比方,就好像从孙猴子的眼里看天宫,一会儿觉得玉帝挺疼他,一会儿又觉得玉帝欺负他、迫害他、歧视他,对他搞阴谋。

猴子不知道天宫很大,成员很多,玉帝要操心的事很繁杂;他也不知道自己其实没有那么重要,不值得别人一天到晚算计;他也不知道就算天宫里要算计人,会是什么套路、什么程序、有什么明规则、有什么潜规则。一样的道理。

你看我们生活中,连省都没出过几次的人去评点国际政治,连书都没读过几本的人去纵论天下兴亡,他们的论调就总是特别像崔百泉老师,看什么都像是阴谋。

由于知识有限,他们所揣测的大国博弈,套路总像是街坊撕逼;所剖析的政治风云,总像是姑嫂斗气。就像崔老师总担心姑苏慕容会像什么“飞鱼帮”“铁叉会”的蟊贼,偷偷搞翻自己的船。

当然,崔先生有一点也没错:武林大高手难道就不骗人?就不害人?就没有阴谋?就不能提防?

这很对,大高手们也骗人、也害人、也有很多阴谋,需要提防。但关键是提防的路子对不对。

用《笑傲江湖》里大高手向问天的一句自白做注脚吧:

“(你说我)从不骗人?那也未必。但像峨嵋派松纹道人这等小脚色,你哥哥可还真不屑骗他。”

“要骗人,就得拣件大事,骗得惊天动地,天下皆知。”

姑苏慕容骗不骗人?当然是骗的,但他要骗的是整个中原武林,骗的是丐帮帮主、少林方丈,他想挑起的是宋辽纷争,自己好火中取栗,兴复故国。

所以,崔百泉先生真的大可以放心坐船。

记得扫地僧老师说过,练武功不是坏事,但必须要用修佛法来中和。同样地,想象力丰富不是坏事,但要用增长知识来中和。

假如我们没有好好学过关于天空的知识,我们真的不必去费劲地揣度鹰和雁的阴谋。

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